Feeding the Wolf (Thoughts)
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life: “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil–he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”
He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you–and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
A few weeks ago I had some blood tests done. It had been a while since I was out of hospital and some of my muscles were quite achy so I just wanted to check my magnesium levels. I wasn’t overly concerned and my GP Glen Davis thought it be wise and have some tests for the liver also.
That night, I received a call from the on-call Taupo doctor and she was very concerned about some of my blood results. She told me that my liver tested extremely high and thought I should go straight into hospital. I told her I felt fine; I informed her that I had deranged liver functions in the past; and assured her I would get my neurologist to check them that night. She read me the results and told me to go straight to the hospital if I felt confused, faint, or turned yellow that evening. While normal liver functions would be between 0-50, two of mine were over 850.
As soon as I hung up the phone, I could feel myself getting shaky.
Prior to the phone call, I was good. A bit tired from the day and my eye whites had been a bit puffier, but my general strength was still improving. When I first got out of hospital I would freak out if I had a rough day. If I was more tired in the shower, or if my neck got weaker earlier than the day before, I would automatically assume I was regressing and start having minor panics about returning to hospital. Because of this, I learned to measure my progress on how I was the week prior (instead of the day). Vern would always remind me “two steps forward, one step back - is still forward”. So I didn’t pick up on any possible symptoms as on the whole, I was still ‘up’ from the week before. But that night, after speaking to the doctor, all the doubt started to creep back in. I started to think of how extremely tired I was; how my eyes were yellowing; how shaky my legs were... I started wondering, “was I really ok?”
And then on my downward spiral into irrational thoughts, I did what I always said I wouldn’t do - I googled. Through google, I had liver disease, hepatitis, would need dialysis, had high cholesterol, and was probably going to die... ;-)
In October 2017 I ended up in hospital for a week after coming off my medication for the Myasthenia. Matt (Neurologist) thought it was due to immune hepatitis, or the immune system attacking the liver and bowels. Before we could investigate it sooner my body started to correct. So we called Matt again, and he thought it was the same. He estimated (and hoped) it would come down by half in the next week, we would just wait, test, and watch.
The next few days were full of mini-intensive mind tennis.
The doubt would speak and say:
you are getting sick again
you will have to go back to hospital
the cancer is coming back (extreme I know)
I would constantly remind myself of the following:
BEFORE the phone-call I was good
I was still feeling better than the week prior - God fixed it all - there was nothing but wellness for me moving forward
I was walking in my garden (a prophetic word from the Holy Spirit about this beautiful time in my life)
I am so grateful for Vern and my ma (who was visiting at the time) for constantly reminding me to stay in my happy place. Yes, I needed to take it seriously and monitor my body - but I also needed to think rationally and stay at peace. If I concentrated on all the potential negative symptoms, then I would surely find them.
As expected, my results came down and they continue to drop (as I write this they are under 200). But this incident was a reminder as to how much my mind influences my physical state.
I have always known that my body is greatly in-tune with my thoughts and mental well-being. If I argued with someone, if I didn’t sleep well, if I was stressed... the Myasthenia would always be more symptomatic. Worry and stress have physical symptoms too.
In August 2019, after I had the breathing tubes removed (ICU) Vern and I went through the scariest 48 hours. I knew it was my last chance to breathe unaided and failure would mean my throat being cut (for tube insertion again). That night I had a few short breaths and started freaking out. The more I thought I couldn’t breathe, the worse my breathing got and I spent the entire night awake, struggling. I was on a downward spiral and put myself in that much of a panic, Matt had to come and talk to me to calm me down as I was on the verge of having the tubes re-inserted. It wasn’t until Vern prayed for me that I felt the peace of God really ease my spirit. Like a switch, my breathing became steady, and calm.
Positive thinking and peace... I know that it’s easier said than done - especially when your body is saying the opposite. But like the two wolves tale, when you keep feeding the good one - eventually it takes over.