Believing the Impossible
This piece is not written in hindsight but is insight into my faith and thought-life in the midst of a struggle. Quite often in the last few years I have been confronted with things happening in the natural, which contradict what I am believing for. After the miracle, I am vindicated and faith is celebrated, but during the storm it’s often hard to understand or explain why I choose to believe. To be honest, there are times where I even ask myself if I am delusional.
Last year, Matt (my neurologist), Vern and I were out for dinner (prior to us finding out about the tumour shrinkage), and Matt asked me what kept me going. I quickly and confidently replied, “I believe God is going to heal me”. When Vern and I were in the car on our way home I was laughing, “Oh my gosh, I must sound like a crazy person. I need to find a better way to say that”. There was no logic or theory, just faith.
I had the same conviction when I was in ICU on a breathing ventilator. Confused, I wrote to Vern “I don’t understand, this is against my scripture” (Jeremiah 29:11 …plans to prosper you and not to harm). I KNEW I wasn’t going to die, even though nothing that was going on in the natural, aligned.
Right now, I am going through a faith vs natural battle.
My last two x-rays have reported small growth. I just refuse to believe it can be possible. I have had prophetic words right from the beginning of my diagnosis that I would be healed, and after my hospital stint last year, a friend of mine who regularly speaks to God had a word for me, “Like the rainbow, God will fulfill His promise”.
My beliefs are backed up by practical steps I take in the natural. I don’t just ‘do nothing and hope’, my faith is backed by action – since the discovered shrinkage in October 2019 I have continued the metabolic therapy of ketogenic and fasting.
I received the first growth report on Pepe’s birthday. I was at home alone with her and I started praying. “God, I don’t get it. This can’t be right. Can you please give me a sign that everything is going to be ok.” Within 5 minutes I received a call from my aunty and uncle (who have been instrumental on my faith journey) and they called to wish Pep a happy birthday. The timing was a kiss from heaven, as Steve told me that he was up at 3am that morning with a verse quickened to him that he felt was for me: For the word of the Lord is right and true; he is faithful in all he does. Psalms 33:4.
After hanging up the phone I prayed again. I said, “God please don’t be angry, but can I please have one more sign. Just so I know that wasn’t a fluke”.
I carried on celebrating with Pep, and it was hard, keeping the x-ray out of my mind. I talked to Vern when he got home and we called Matt who acknowledged there was the possibility of it not being accurate (without a CT scan), which was enough hope for me to grab onto.
At about 3am that night I woke up and realised that God didn’t give me another sign. I said this to him and immediately remembered the word from our friend, “Like the rainbow, God will fulfill his promise”. Then all these moments came flooding back to me from the last 24 hours:
The night prior to Pepe’s birthday we saw a gigantic rainbow at the supermarket. I explained to her for the first time what a rainbow was - God’s promise and we went through all the colours. We then saw a rainbow again on the way home (which she kept on and on about), and again down our street.
The morning of her birthday Pep wanted to wear her rainbow socks (remembering what a rainbow was).
At lunchtime her sister Casey video-called us (she hadn’t read to Pepe before) and read her the book Groovycorns – about rainbows.
That evening before bed, I read to Pepe ‘The Colour Kittens’ for the first time.
I undisputedly took this all as my second sign. What was so beautiful is that God knew what I needed before I even asked.
And so my second x-ray came back yesterday, with again, reports of small growth. I had tears, not of despair but of confusion and frustration. This doesn’t align… I cannot accept it.
I know for me to deny what is happening in the natural must seem preposterous and delusional to others. There are days where I just sit and try to rationalise why I believe in the impossible. I always come to the same conclusion, “If I doubt one thing, then I doubt everything”.
I can’t pick and choose with God’s promises, and I can’t sell him short. One of the visions / words is that I will be FULLY HEALED. So if I stop now and say, “Well, I am alive and the tumour has shrunk, this is good enough”, am I not robbing myself of what God has for me? I don’t believe He under-delivers. And I do believe He is real.
So we have a CT scan coming. Until then I am standing in faith, and after then, I will continue to stand in faith.
Three years ago given a terminal diagnosis, I trusted God would direct my steps in an unproven, metabolic therapy. Everything in the natural said death, but I chose to believe. One year ago in ICU on a breathing ventilator I still chose to believe I would still be completely healed, when everything in the natural said death.
The natural isn’t always right. God however is faithful, and He has never let me down.
I may have just written this to remind myself…