Patience

Before I was pregnant I had grand plans for myself, and for our baby. I was going straight back to work and Pepe would fit around us. Deluded, maybe. But I have no doubt that I would have continued to work too hard and would have missed out on so much of Pepe’s life. My diagnoses gave me a new appreciation for my family, and for time that I had always taken for granted.

In a similar epiphany, the time I spent in ICU grew my patience for ‘mama tolerance’. I was separated from Pepe for three weeks. I knew I couldn’t shield her from seeing me sick, but I didn’t want her seeing me with the breathing tube in my mouth so during that time my family would record her in the waiting room, or in the cafe and then come and show me during their visits. It was beautiful. And hard at the same time - watching her grow up from just a few doors away. Knowing she was in the same building but I couldn’t talk to her or touch her. There was one time that she fell asleep and dad carried her in so I could see her. I touched her hair, and prayed she didn’t wake up. I would lay for hours thinking of all the things I would do with her when I was able to walk, talk… move.

I imagined the room I would create for her with fairy lights and chiffon curtains, and the park visits we would have. I would carry her, dance with her, draw with her and listen to all of her gobbly-gook talking.

And so I try.

Now, when Pepe comes up to me and intensely says my name 20 times, the reason I don’t lose my patience is because I remind myself how I almost lost it all. I (like so many mamas) am constantly bombarded with repeating questions. Sometimes it comes from the inquisitiveness of a toddler, sometimes I think it’s because Pepe is amused at seeing me stressed… But whether I include her in what I am doing, or play with her, I have learnt to STOP for her.

The stronger I get the more we do together. The time I took her to the park by myself was such a huge moment for me. It was a monumental milestone in my healing. It wasn’t just a car ride or Pepe playing on the swings, it was confirmation “I am alive; I made it out; I am strong; God is faithful; Pepe has her mama; I can do this”.